Wednesday, 11 April 2012

I'm learning...

I haven't been here for a while, you won't have seen me on Twitter either. Sometimes real life takes priority over virtual life and you have to drop everything that you thought was important just to make sure you get through each day - which is, well, more important.

The past few months have been a real learning curve for me and I'm not at the end yet. I don't normally post personal things, but sometimes as a writer, you just have to write, and release it into the world and see what happens. So this is what I'm learning:

I'm learning that sometimes life doesn't work out the way you want it to, the way you think it should,or the way you think is fair. That sometimes bad things happen to good people, and that good things happen to not-so-good people.

It doesn't even work out the way you had planned. That timeline that you had in your head? Not. Gonna. Happen. There will be twists, turns, diversions, bumps in the road, but it's the hope that you might just get there eventually that keeps you moving, because you know you can't stay where you are.

I'm learning that even when you do everything right, it can all go so very wrong.

I'm learning that there are questions that will remain unanswered, and however much you, or anyone else with the best of intentions, tries to explain things away, all that will remain is the gaping sense that you don't know. You can't see the bigger picture as much as you try and as much as you wish you could.

I'm learning that time isn't a healer, it doesn't magic the past away and it doesn't hurt any less, you just, if you're lucky, learn to cope with it better.

I'm learning that grief catches up with you eventually and that thing that you thought was grief at the time? It wasn't. Maybe it was shock, maybe it was survival or just sadness, or just ignorant bliss. But eventually grief arrives, suddenly, without warning, gripping you intensely and unearthing all those feelings, emotions and fears that you thought you had dealt with.

I'm learning that that moment when you think you're ok, is just prior to you realising that you're really not.

I'm learning that just when you think you cried all the tears that there were to cry, another dam breaks and more come gushing forth.

I'm learning that sometimes it's good to be selfish, because you're doing the world, your world, a favour if you look after yourself and try to get back on track, for you.

I'm learning that the world doesn't understand. It carries on spinning with all its inhabitants happily on the merry-go-round. It forgets so quickly and ceases to ask how you're doing. Ceases to offer its support or offer its advice... not that it was any good anyway.

I'm learning that empathy will always be better than sympathy and that no one else has walked my particular journey, neither can they nor will they.

But I'm also learning that there are a few precious angels who are always there, always understand, never judge and are ever-patient.

I'm learning that you're stronger than you think you are.

I'm learning that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and that even when you think you might just collapse and die, you don't. You wake up to another day, you go to work, you smile and you keep on, keeping on and on and on and that maybe the rest of the world is doing exactly the same.

I'm learning that when you're at your end, and you've no more words to utter, that God knows, He hears and He cares and that Jesus intercedes on our behalf.

And I'm hoping that 'God does cause everything, even this, to work together for the good of those who love Him' (Romans 8:28) because right now it doesn't feel good, but maybe one day, with hindsight we'll see the purpose.

I do know that despite all of this, God is good and he does good things, which means He didn't cause this set of circumstances, but that he will use it to His glory.

I'm learning to trust, to hope and to dream. To get up and try again. That, maybe it's true that 'It will all be ok in the end, and if it's not ok, it's not the end'.

I'm learning to stay on the path.

"Stay on the path that the LORD your God has commanded you to follow. Then you will live long and prosperous lives in the land you are about to enter and occupy" ~ Deuteronomy 5:33

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